Not just between the lines...

But behind them as well.

Here are some headlines from today's google news aggregate. I moved some words about because they were in a mess, here's what I think they were trying to say (I added nothing, left out some double words and that's about it):


Fully Loaded Communist Party Against All Odds in heavy fighting NBA Finals - so that's where they went.

Ford Fighting Kills 4064 Taliban Rebels - so that's where they went.

Boy Scout Spy To Be Used In Space - finally NASA pull the finger out. So to speak.

Scientists Find New Ways For fighting bleak outlook on Ku Klux Klan - they just need a hug, really.

Afghans say Fighting Kills - well yes, they would say that. America says- what fighting? They only thing that kills us is slipping on oil.

US Spy Says Solar Power Hits Social Security in Kansas Confederations - poor Kansas. Will Dorothy ever come home?

Asia: Cup Rebels - take that saucer! And spoon! And dish! And plate!

Guantanamo Bay: 64 heavy Taliban fall in - so that's where they went.

US Military shares George Hawi, Phan Van Khai, Gavin Henson, Jacob Zuma - so that's where they went.


Man it's hard to read the news these days. It's all gobbledegoogle to me.

A New Poem About Caring

My mobile phone,
is the most under-appreciated,
forlorn and lost looking thing
in the world.

Apart from homeless kids. Obviously.

----

It's been a funny week for Wilt. I'm lucky my creative juices are still up to the above standard.

Sounds like crap to me!

My girlfriend is getting a new alarm clock. It can wake you up with the sound of birds or a forest or a fucking sperm whale for all I know. What the fuck. I might have to stop staying over. Or set my alarm (which BEEPS, by the way (it's a manly alarm)) a minute before hers so I can throw that shit out the window.

This throws light on a bigger problem.

What happened to the way shit sounds? Three instances of people fucking with the classics:

Mobile phone ringtones. Jesus. Ring, ring. That's how a phone rings. If I want to hear 50 Cent's (that should be on his records as the price, and even then it should be covered by a 70% discount sticker) latest pile of crap single, I'll turn on my radio. Or my TV. But I don't want to get a bus and hear that shit in the seat behind me. Even if it's a good song. It's not right. The reason a phone rings like it does is so when you hear it you know what's going on. Ring, ring. Oh, better get that. These days when a phone rings in public... well with each stupid ringtone I hear, the world gets closer to a mobile phone-related throttling spree. I swear to god. And that crazy frog... I found a game where you get to shoot him accross the land. It was good.

Lifts. Elavators, if your feel fancy. The one in my sister's building talks. Telling you what floor it's on. Except it's wrong the whole time. "But it's to help blind people." Man. Braille's never wrong. And besides. Lifts should bing. Doors open. Binnnggg!. Then maybe tell you what floor you're on. Maybe. It could give advice I guess. "Looking sharp" would be pretty cool. But they'd never do that. 'cause they're jerks.

The freaking alarm clock. I don't want to wake up to jungle sounds and think, omg! wtf! Where m I? or some stupid crap. At least not unless I'm good and hammered. Man. I should hear BLART! BLART! BLART! and wake the fuck up.

There's a Lesson here.

Lesson of Justice #4:

Don't fuck with how shit sounds, ya dumbasses! Never, ever allow yourself to get involved in this kind of nonsense. Even if your family is starving and riven with disease, don't make an annoying ringtone or a novelty alarm clock. If there is a god, he hates that shit.

Asshole Manual

Here’s the plan:

A manual. For assholes. That is, a how-to guide. A Being-an-assohle-for-dummies.

Things to include: how to spell like an asshole (inc DO NOT PROOF READ), how to speak like an asshole (inc DISREGARD OTHER PEOPLE), how to swim, drive, cycle, walk, dress, act and play sports like an asshole.

Some people don’t know how to be proper assholes. I’ve met many enthusiastic amateurs, but few who really had the whole (excuse the pun) package. This book will be for them. The wannabes.

Do you want to be an asshole?

See more progress on: Write an asshole manual